I heart Trevor.
He'll stand up to conservatives at family events in such a suave way that they wouldn’t even realize he is making fun of them. I’ll bite a hole in my lip trying not to laugh, but it will be completely worth it.
I’ve developed a fast and furious passion for the new Daily Show host, Trevor Noah.
I’ve always been a sucker for someone who can make me laugh. Add in a smart outsider perspective on the ridiculousness of American politics? Swoon. I have a problem with men with amazing smiles (see Tom Cruise and Dennis Quaid). The smile wipes away my brain power so I don’t remember anything negative in the whole world. It is dangerous, but I trust Trevor Noah completely and know he’d never let me down. Because, should my 16-year marriage suddenly crumble, I've got a backup plan all ready and it involves Trevor Noah.
When Trevor Noah and I get together, we’ll spend a lot of time in bed just lying around talking. Sometimes I will drift off to sleep listening to his lovely, light accent but he won’t be upset. He’ll just kiss my forehead, adjust the blankets, and turn off the light.
He has a great sense of humor, so he'll let me pick out ties for him to wear that match what I’m wearing each day, even if we won’t be together. He’ll think it was sweet, not creepy, and will think of me every time he adjusts his tie. He'll want my advice about what literary guests to have on The Daily Show. He’ll realize Jon Stewart didn’t have many women or writers of color on his staff and rely on me to help remedy the situation. He’ll give me a producer credit for my work on this segment but won’t tell me — I’ll find out when my mom calls to say she saw my name on television.
We'll spend American winter holidays in South Africa. Sometimes we’ll see scenery, but usually he’ll take me on long walks to little restaurants in back alleys where he used to hang out. I won’t feel awkward because he’ll shine his perfect smile at me and people will see that we were truly in love.
Trevor Noah will be happy with me making him toast and wouldn’t want me to have any other recipes in my repertoire. We’ll eat lovely fresh things that require little to no preparation. He'll stand up to conservatives at family events in such a suave way that they wouldn’t even realize he is making fun of them. I’ll bite a hole in my lip trying not to laugh, but it will be completely worth it.
I’ll get my teeth whitened, just a bit, so the difference between Trevor and my canines won’t be so dramatic. He won’t even notice it because he doesn’t care about stuff like that. In pictures we will look like we won life with our truly content smiles.
At home, he'll till a little plot of earth in the front yard for a garden to surprise me. Together we’ll look at seed catalogs and pretend we’re going to plant anything fancier than basil and carrots. He’ll text me photos of individual sprouts when they first pop up. We’ll name the runty plants to give them motivation to grow. When it is time to eat the carrots, Trevor will give a little speech about the cycle of life and be a bit solemn in the sexiest way possible.
And that's how our life together will play out. Call me any time, Trevor.
